Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?