Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
You Might Also Like
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
New menu item
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
me as a parent
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.