ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
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So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills