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@ComedyPosts: Me: I'm too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
@Social_Mime: When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I've discovered I was right.
@JimmerThatisAll: If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
@truegritrumble: KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What's the orange stuff?
ME:Why's the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
@stevevsninjas: Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
@gingerfaced: I'm obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE