Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
This fish is cracking me up
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I am crying
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.