Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.