Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork