Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I have no passwords left in me
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.