Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
You Might Also Like
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here