ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’d … I’d rather not.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs