ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.