ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
(by @ZachWeiner )
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
A short story about romance.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston