Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die