[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
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[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?