[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
You Might Also Like
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*