Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?