me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
You Might Also Like
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.