I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
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Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Canadian owl: Eh?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.