Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
You Might Also Like
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.