Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.