ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Fight
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Cake safety first. Always.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
new wife guy just dropped
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead