ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me recordaron éste meme
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!