ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?