My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
dude it’s called proctologist
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”