Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Shoo shoo! 😂
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
This could be us… but you playing
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.