ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
wow
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide