you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
my professor scared me for a second
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?