Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
why am I working on Labor Day
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.