@putyoursisterd1: Me in HR: I wasn't trying to be condescending... It's just that the boss didn't understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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@shadonium: Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*
@zacharyflynn: If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
@brunopieroni: Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
@VivaVeronica122: My boyfriend says I'm kind of selfish, but that's not true. I often think of other people. When I'm having sex with him.