@putyoursisterd1: Me in HR: I wasn't trying to be condescending... It's just that the boss didn't understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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@UNTRESOR: Hi, I'm Brandon and I'll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are "ur mom", "lol own3d", and "u mad bro lol u mad?!??!"
@BuckyIsotope: *robbers burst into bank* EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG *bank manager frowns* What's updog? WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
@david8hughes: [soldier dying in my arms] "You take this & you give it to my wife." "No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."
@bidenandobama: Biden: why can't I log into my twitter what's everyone talking about today Obama: