Pretty certain I can more drunk
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Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
titanic