M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
What flavor cupcake are these
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: