Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?