Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra