ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Wait for it
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Running your mouth is not cardio.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My apartment is a mess, I should move
and now we wait