ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
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*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
🙀🙀🙀😹
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.