Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.