what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Why is everyone getting married at me
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.