“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing