me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You Might Also Like
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me driving through Toronto
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I wish this was real life…
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no