me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water