Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.