ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Chemical wingman
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two