@truegritrumble: ME: *introducing date to my parents* It's some kind of desert raisin.
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@msmollybee25: I hate when Netflix asks if I'm still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
@Bob_Janke: If you spend "up to $9000" on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
@daemonic3: [date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
@DeepDarkFear: "Hate it when I think of her and suddenly we're teleported to a picturesque location, and have to dance to a random love song." - Indians