me irl
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
good work, detective
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.