me irl
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
How about daylight saves us for once
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.