me irl
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Well, this is awkward
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
And that about sums it up.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.