Me irl
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Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
When I laugh on my period