Me irl
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What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion