Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Feels
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.