ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox