Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
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Me driving through Toronto
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!