I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.