[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
So creative 😂
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.